Day 30. What have you learned over these past 30 days?

I think that the most important that I have learned over the past 30 days is, not to procrastinate. I'm not going to lie, there were a few nights that I went to sleep instead of writing my entry for the day. This project made me think about things that I wouldn't have and write in a way that I knew I probably wouldn't have other wise. I'm really glad that I had the chance to work on this project, because of the way it made me think. I don't know if I will continue writing on this blog, because I am normally terrible at these 30 challenges. I typically forget after the first two days so the fact that I even finished one is a big accomplishment.

Day 29. Write a poem about feeling free

Galloping across an endles field

All you can hear is the beat of their hooves.

The wind in their manes.

Their Breath escaping their nostrils.

The clang on the bit as it shifts in their mouth.

Galloping across an endless field,

All you can feel - is free.

Day 28. A suicide note.

He knew that they would cry when they found him on his floor the next morning. His arms would be crusted with his own dried blood, and his mother would ask why. A small piece of paper would be crumpled in his hands, telling them not to blame themselves, but he just couldn't go on. Little did he know, trying to write that small note might just change his mind.
"Dear mom, I'm sorry but..." no, not right. He crumpled the paper and threw it in the waist basket. Maybe he shouldn't just address it to her, but to everyone. "Dear family," he started again. His pen hovered above  the paper, once again no knowing what to write. There were do many different things to try to say, how was he going to make them understand what he was going through. How was he going to make it so they didn't hate him. He loved them all very dearly, but he just couldn't take the constant bullying anymore. he stared down at the blank paper, trying to thing of what to write.
"I'm sorry." was the first thing he wrote. He thought that it might be easier to get it all out without addressing it to someone. He lowered his pen to the paper and slowly began to write again. "I know that this is going to be hard to understand, but please don't hate me. Just know that I am sorry that I'm putting you through this pain. Mom, please understand that this is not your fault. I promise. There was nothing that any of you could've done differently, so please don't blame yourselves. I know you're going to ask why. And I'm going to give you an answer. You all know that I'm gay, but no one at school was supposed to. But someone told them, there were awful notes in my locker. People yelled horrible things at me every single day. I tried talking to the office, and the guidance councilors, but no one would listen. I'm sorry I didn't come to you first, but I just couldn't take the bullying anymore.I hope that maybe this will make them realize how serious bullying can be." Tears splashed on the paper as he wrote.He knew writing this would make him want to hold on and try again, but he knew that he couldn't. He wished there was a way to show not only the bullies but the school system just how serious he was being. But he knew there wasn't. 
He read over his note, making sure everything was worded just right. When He came to the end, he realized that there was something very important missing from this. Picking up his pen for the last time he wrote "Please, after all of this is over, don't forget me. Remember the happy and funny me, the me that would crack jokes at horrible times just to make someone smile. And never, ever, forget that I love each and every one you." He folded the paper neatly into a small square and held it tightly in his hand. Slowly he picked up the razor blade and held it to his wrist. He pressed down hard and dragged it toward his elbow, blood quickly covering everything. He quickly repeated the process on the other arm, a minute passed and he was feeling rater light headed and before he knew it, he had fallen to the floor with a very loud thump. His world was getting darker, and right before he passed out he thought he heard someone running up the stairs to make sure he was okay. Maybe he was going to be saved after all. 

Day 27. Post a story of your own that you have written at least a month ago.

Everyday its the same thing; get up, get dressed and go to school half asleep. I'm tired of it. I need a change, I need to do something exciting, but I don't know what. Go to a party? No, not enough.Road trip? No, still not very exciting.Go to a different country? Maybe, but its still just a vacation. Its not exciting, nothing is exciting anymore.I want to do something that fills my entire body  with energy, fear, excitement and adrenaline. But, what could I do? Bungie jump? sure, but it  works for a second or two, but then its just fun, and I've had enough of fun god dammit.  Sky dive?  still only for a few moments then you're just floating and, wheres the excitement in that?No matter what I did I still couldn't think of anything that would fulfill my need. There must be something I'm not thinking of, something great that will be thrilling, exciting, providing the rush I need oh so badly. But the question is, what!? I've thought about this for months now, and every time I think I have a great idea, something or someone would distract me and I would forget t. Maybe if I think think really hard, and really focus I'll come up with something.So thats what I did,  I just sat there and thought for for what seemed like hours and got nothing.Maybe I'm thinking too hard.So I try and just let my mind wander and not think of anything. I did that for another two hours or so and still got nothing. I didn't know what else to do! Thinking didn't work, not thinking didn't work, what else was there to do, google it?! Actually that might not be a bad idea... but what would I search? "Exciting, adrenaline pumping things to do that last then more then a couple minutes"? I have this slight feeling that I wouldn't get any results, so googling is out of the question. I couldn't ask someone either, they would think I've gone mad, when really im just bored.I want to do something most people would find "life threatening" , but I don't want to die, really I don't, even though it could be really exciting...One thing I considered once was getting into a really bad car accident. I know it sounds crazy but just think about how scary that would be, and how much adrenaline would be pumping through me when it was happening. There we two bad things though, one it wouldn't last very long and two I might actually die, and I really dont want that. I really like my life, ya know?By now you're probably wondering who I am and your probably thinking I'm crazy. Am I right?... I thought so. I guess I should probably introduce myself before I tell you anymore. Well my name is Tony, Tony Whitefield. Crappy last night don'tcha think? Another thing you're probably wondering is why the hell I'm telling you about my need for a rush. Well the thing is, that was me a few months ago, six to be exact. What I came here to tell you about was me getting that rush, but not in the way I expected and I don't want it to happen again. I came to tell you about the time I got kidnapped. *(this is a story that I started a while ago but never really finished it. I still can't decide whether I'm going to continue with this one or not. )*

Day 26. Write about something ugly — war, fear, hate, cruelty — but find the silver lining in it..

As an old war veteran laid down to sleep the night after a buddies funeral, images of his life flashed before his eyes. Not many of them were pretty, consisting of war battles and hospitals. He could tell you from experience that war was indeed hell. He had spent most of his life jumping from fox hole to fox hole, crawling in the mud and muck trying not to get killed. Fear was a constant companion in his life, he couldn’t remember a day passing without it. Now that he thought about it, it didn’t really sound like a life anyone would willingly choose. But he knew that wasn’t the case. Thousands of people just like him gave up their life for their country. Giving up their children's first steps, sometimes missing their birth completely. He knew that it was going to be hell when he joined, but did it anyway. Sometimes he wondered if joining the Army was really worth all of the pain an sorrow it brought. A tear silently rolled down his cheek as he remembered his friends that fell during battle.

“Daddy?” His oldest daughter spoke softly, “are you alright?”

“I’m fine darling. Just thinking about life.” he placed his hand on top of hers and squeezed it gently. 

“Dad?”

“Yes?”

“Would you do anything differently?” she paused waiting for an answer, but nothing came. “I mean, would you ever change your life at all.”

“No.” He answered simply. “Well, I would change one thing.” he said after a few moments. 

“What’s that?”

“I would’ve loved to see you, Jack, and your mother more.” a smile flashed across his face.

“Thats the only thing you would do differently? Even after all of the hell you’ve been through?” she asked, full of confusion. 

“Darling, let me tell you something. I hope to God that neither you or Jack will ever have to face the same things I did while I was in the army. And yes, a lot of what I went through was terrible, but I wouldn’t trade the life I have lived for any other in the would. You wanna know why?” She nodded silently, “Because with out people like me fighting, you wouldn’t have been able to have the happy free childhood you had or the life you have now. The pride I feel and the friendships I have made will always outside the negative. Now come here and give me a hug.”

She walked to him slowly and embraced him “I love you Daddy” she whispered in his ear.

“I love you too darlin’.” 

Day 25. Post a poem you wrote a while ago.

Summers Flower In a bright spring field a flower blooms. Its peddles dark purple with a center like the sun. Mother natures work at its finest. It sways in the early summer breeze. Growing closer and closer, to the end of its "life". Peddles falling off one by one, blowing in that same breeze.  Until all thats left is a lone wilted green stem.

Day 24. Write a haiku

Mother natures grace
Continuously changing
but never absent.